7/27/22

fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time

i've been 18 for awhile now and i'm about to start college in less than a month. i'm excited and all but it just feels weird, y'know? like one moment i was 12 and listening to nothing but the spice girls and waiting to be a teenager, thinking i'd be so cool...now i'm nearly 19 and beating myself up for spending my childhood waiting for what ended up being some of the worst years of my life. i don't think i ever really grew up past like, 13 or so. sure, i learned a lot about me and the world and i became less "cringe" for lack of a better word, but in my head i still can't believe im growing up. i think i just subconsciously supress that, in a way. the passage of time had become a fear of mine when i hit 15 or so. i knew that in just a few short years i'd have to get a job and pay bills and taxes and whatever adults complain about. i longed to be a carefree child again, so unaware of how the world is shit and that i'll eventually have to work for the capitalist machine until i die.

death itself had become a fear at this point, when it fully hit me that it's gonna happen to me someday. i had a small breakdown of sorts at 17. the fact that i happened to exist at the same time as this pandemic was (and still is) absolutely terrifying to me. my eating disorder got bad again; the malnourishment was heavily affecting my brain. it was finals week and my classes were harder than ever at that point. it was like the perfect storm for my anxiety to go into overdrive, and so it did. it started when i went shopping one time and found the cutest hello kitty analog clock. something in the back of my head told me to leave it, but it was just so damn cute. i took it home, put a battery in it, set the time, and let it tick. that ticking. god, that ticking. i didn't pay attention to it at first, but when i was alone in my room, completely silent, i couldn't help but notice it.

it made me think about the time i was wasting. then i thought about how i only have a limited amount of time to be alive, as does everyone else. i thought about how i don't truly know what happens when we die. those thoughts kept consuming me, and they kept going for another two weeks. i had to constantly distract myself or else my mind immediately tells me we're all gonna die and be forgotten one day and i'd have panic attacks multiple times a day about it. i was scared to tell people because they would just write me off as being edgy and overdramatic as usual. i suffered in near silence. i eventually took the batteries out of that clock, which helped me a bit. i couldn't bring myself to put them back in until months later, when i was better mentally.

those two weeks were hell and i'm afraid of it happening again, especially now that i'm about to be thrown into a completely new and potentially stressful situation and i have to face the fact that i'm getting older. i'm still very much afraid of death and aging in general, but i haven't had a panic attack about it in weeks, which is nice. has anyone else had something like this happen to them? if so, if you know any ways to sort of prevent something like that happening, please tell me in my guestbook or shoot me a message on spacehey.

much love,
lacrymosa