i had an awful nightmare last night. i had a rare disease and a small amount of time left to live, but i felt fine and i didn't know when i was gonna die. i eventually accepted it and even started packing all my stuff so mom didn't have to do it. i blinked and suddenly i was in a house i used to live in for a couple of years as a kid. i went into my moms room and i saw her watching tv and my childhood dog that we had to put down last year was on the bed with her. actually, there were two of her. one looked young like the day we got her and the other looked how she did when she died. i was like "woah, two mimis, am i dead already?" as a joke i guess(?) and my mom said "yes, we died in the car accident, remember?" i had no memory of a car accident. i then saw a child version of my mom running around and playing and my mom said that when we die theres two versions of us in the afterlife: the version that will stay the same age as they were when they died, and a version that gets to be a child for eternity. except i didn't have a child version of me. maybe it's because i still see myself as a kid or i just died too young or earlier than i was supposed to. i remember freaking out and crying saying that i miss being alive and i miss all my friends and my sisters and my dog hank. mom seemed so... apathetic? it was like she wasn't fully present. i wanted to see if this was a dream so i closed my eyes and when i opened them, i woke up 3 hours before my alarm went off. i cried and had a panic attack and felt for my heartbeat to make sure i was still alive. i can't stop thinking about it. death is my greatest fear and i'm also scared of basically anything to do with cars and driving so dying from a car accident of all things is just... yeah. that's gonna take awhile to get over.
much love,
malice